Escaped Convict

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years."
"I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you."
"Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline."
"I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Job advertisement

What job advertisement really mean:
-"Join our fast-paced company"-We have no time to train you
-"Must be deadlines oriented"-You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
-"No phone calls please"-We've filled the job;our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
-"seeking candidates with a ide variety of experience"-You'll need it to replace the three people who just left.
"requires team leadership skills"-You'll have the responsibilities of manager without pay or respect.

hidden heel

One evening a man gave his tipsy secretary a ride home after an office party. His wife was prone to jealousy, so he didn't mention the incident to her. Later in the evening he was driving his wife to a restaurant when he noticed a stiletto-heeled shoe half-hidden under the passenger seat.

Gripped with terror, he took advantage of a moment when she wasn't looking to grab the shoe and throw it out of the windows.

The rest of the journey went well until they arrived at the restaurant. "That's strange," said his wife, looking a little agitated. "Have you seen my other shoe?"

Awful time

"I've had an awful time," a boy told his friends. "First, I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics and, top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."

"Wow!" sympathized his friends."How did you pull thought?"

"I don't know," the boy replied. "It was the toughest spelling test I've ever had."

Awful time

"I've had an awful time," a boy told his friends. "First, I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics and, top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."

"Wow!" sympathized his friends."How did you pull thought?"

"I don't know," the boy replied. "It was the toughest spelling test I've ever had."

Holidays

A man is painting his house."Gee, you're lucky," he calls out to a neighbor who is washing his windows. "You only get ten days' holiday. I get 20!"

Mike and Joe

Two salesmen, Joe and Mike, were stranded by a storm and took refuge in a house occupied by an attractive single woman. In the middle of the night, Joe heard Mike sneak out of bed and into the woman's room. Joe said nothing about it until nine months lated when a registered letter arrived at his office. Clutching the letter, he walked into Mike's office. "Do you remember the night we were stranded by the storm and you sneaked out of your room to be with that woman?"

"Yes," Mike replied.

"You told her you were me, didn't you?" Joe demanded.

"Yes, I did," Mike said nervously. "Why do you ask?"

"Because," Joe replied, "she just died and left me a fortune!"

Heaven mistake

An engineer died and was sent to hell by mistake. Hell was very uncomfortable, so he installed air conditioning, escalators, flush toilets and a host of other modern conveniences.

One day God phoned Satan to ask how things were in hell."Great!" replied Satan."Our engineer has made all kinds of improvements down here."

"What are you doing with an engineer!"thundered God. "That engineer must be sent up to heaven immediately or I'll sue!"

"Oh really?"replied Satan. "And just where do you intend to find a lawyer?"

145 years

Late night, Paddy, Sean and Shamus were stumbling home from the pub and wandered into the graveyard. "Come have a look over here," said Paddy. "It's Micheal O' Grady's grave. God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing,"said Sean. "Here's one named Jack Kenzo. It says here that he was 98 when he died."

Just then Shamus yelled out,"Forget him, here's a fellow who lived up to 145 years!"

"What's his name?" asked Paddy.

Shamus fumbled around trying to light a match to see what else was written on the stone marker, then said, "Miles to Dublin."

Hiding

Soon after we arrived at my husband's new duty station, I took our young son to the base hospital to take care of our health records. A Marine wearing a green, brown and black camouflage uniform, along with heavy combat boots, sat at his keyboard, entering out information. My sin stared at him in awe, then turned to me and asked, "Mummy, does he think he's hiding?"

Leave the farm

While delivering a motivational lecture to a group of young Navy men, I spoke in great detail about why I joined the military and how much it meant to me. Finishing my story, I pointed to a young, sharp-looking sailor and asked him why he decided to go to sea. "Well, chief," he said, "when my old man put light on the tractor, I knew it was time to leave the farm."

Excellence first

"Excellence first" was the motto of my army company and we were required to repeat it every time we great an officer. One afternoon however, I met a second lieutenant at the entrance of the building where I work and forget to recite the motto. After receiving a scolding for my breach of protocol, I reached out to open the door for him, but he said, "No allow me."

As I walked through the open door, I nodded to him and said without thinking, "Excellence first!"

Report for duty

Newly minted as an ensign, I reported for duty at the naval medical centre, ready to follow all the rules. Expecting a nonsense environment, I was surprised to see a sign above the door of my new ward:"Welcome to Proctology. To expedite your visit, please back in."

See the world

After being at sea in the Persian Gulf for 90 days straight, I went to the squadron command master chief to complain. "Chief, I joined the Navy to see the world." I said,"but for past three month all I've seen is mater."

"Lieutenant," he replied, "three-quarter of the earth is covered with water, and Navy has been showing you that. If you wanted to see the other quarter, you should have joined the Army."

Number

When I joined the army, there was a high volume of new recruits. Instead of using our names, we were called by ID numbers. On the second day of reception, a group of new privates were waiting for instructions. Suddenly a sergeant burst into the room and yelled, "Hey, you, Private!" We all stared, unsure of who he was talking to. Annoyed, the sergeant stepped up to the intended private and shouted, "YOU!"

"Hey," she protested, "I have a number!"

Silence night

Life in board an aircraft carrier is noisy, with jets, mechanical equipment and the dull roar of blowers circulating air. One night the ship had a massive power failure, and our berthing compartment became abruptly quiet. Everyone woke up with a start. One half asleep seamen shouted, "What the heck was that!"

From across the dark room came a voice, "That was silence, you idiot!"

Grass removal

The day before graduation from army basic training, I stood on the edge of a blazing hot parade field watching a group of soldiers rake the freshly cut grass. Suddenly, a helicopter appeared and made a practice landing in anticipation of delivering a dignitary the following day. The sergeant in charge of the ranking detail ran to the cooper and spoke to the pilot. He jogged off the filed, taking his group with him. The helicopter lifted off, made a few low passes over the field, then flew away. I asked the sergeant what manoeuvre the pilot had been practicing. He smiled and said, "Grass removal."

Air force officer

My father served in the air force for 25 years. One day he was outside the officers' lounge at a remote base when he noticed a hat rack, hammered next to the entrance. Above it was sign that read :"For officers only."

Someone had added:"But feel free to hang caps here as well."

Baptism

As a newly arrived missionary in Arnhem Land, in Australia's Northern Territory, I was keen to establish a good working relationship with local Aboriginal minister. Curious about the way he preferred to conduct baptism, I asked him if he used the nearby river.

"Oh no," he replied.

"Why not?" I asked, my preconceived ideas about missionary work under challenge. "Crocodiles," he said.

Jokes of the day

Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it!

university (2)

A first year student at my university was puzzled about how to address her history lecturer. "Should I call you 'Professor'," she asked, "or 'Mrs'?"

Smiling, the professor replied, "Call me 'Mrs'- I worked harder for it."

university (1)

Just days after graduating from a prestigious university, our daughter began writing thank-you notes for graduation gifts. She asked if I thought it immodest of her to tell her aunt she had graduated summa cum laude. When I said it would not appear boastful to tell a family member, the honours graduate thanked me and asked . "How do you spell summa cum laude?"

university

My friend, a graduate student in Delhi, attends classes in large lecture theaters that have elevated seating. In one class, an older professor was having difficulty controlling some boys sitting in the back who were making a racket. As usual, the girl were quietly seated in the front.

After a particularly loud noise, the professor angrily yelled, "The pants at the back come down and skirts in the front go up!"

same school

As an engineer in an upmarket hotel, I was once asked to repair or replace the television in a guest's room. When I arrived, the couple was watching a picture one-third the size of the screen. As all our spare sets were in use, I figure what he heck and struck the side of the tv with the heel of my hand. The picture returned to full size.

"Look honey," said the wife to her husband. "He went to the same repair school as you!"

late for work

Getting to work on time is my biggest problem. Early one morning, driving to the office, I saw a turtle in the middle of the road. I just had to rescue the creature. It took a few minutes for me to stop the car, get out, grab the turtle and move it over to the side of the road. Then I rushed on to work.

When I saw my boss at the door, I said quickly, "It's not my fault, Rich. There was a turtle on the road."

Before I could go any futher, he bellowed, "So what are you saying- you drove behind it?"

fax machine

Recently the staff at my company received an e-mail from management. It read: "Please be aware that certain fax machines will print a transmission report after a successful transmission. Most of the time, this report will contain the first page of the transmission. This should be kept in mind when faxing confidential documents.

"P.S. Good luck to the guy applying for the job at our competitors."

doghouse for shepherd

While my husband was building a doghouse for our German shepherd, he called me a different stages of its construction to admire it. When it was complete, he asked me to help him move it.

We picked it up, all 90 kilograms of it, and discovered we couldn't get it out the basement door.

next-door neighbor

My sister was shopping in town when a voice called, "Hello, Jill." She responded with a cheery "Hello," while desperately trying to put a name to the familiar face. She didn't have a clue who it was, so he tried asking about family, work, holidays, all to no avail. Finally, in desperation she asked, "Where are you living now?"

There was brief pause, then the answer : "I'm still your next-door neighbor."

Make phone call

Every year my husband does on a fishing trip with our son and his family. He takes our grandson out in the rowboat at night and they tie up at a good spot under a bridge. It's a chore, so once they're tied up, they don't like to move.

Last summer my grandson had a steady girlfriend and wanted to call her every night at ten sharp. The problem: his mobile phone didn't work under the bridge. But this didn't faze him. He found a plastic bag and put the phone in it. Holding the bag above his head, he got into water and swam away from the bridge. then, treading water for five minutes, he made his call.

Speaking Wilbur

The kids had been driving me nuts, asking me to buy them a talking bird, so I finally got them a parrot. We named him Wilbur and tried to teach him some words, but all he would say was, "Hello. Hello."

Over and over, my elder son tried to get Wilbur to say "Jeff is the greatest." Nothing. My husband tried with "Give this a raise." Nothing. I took a turn with "Clean your room." Still nothing.

Finally Wilbur started talking. During dinner all we heard was "He did it. No, He did it," and then "Get out of my room."

mustache touch up

My husband began darkening his graying mustache with my black mascara. One morning he was in a hurry when he quickly touch up the mustache at our badly kit dressing table. On his return home, he was very agitated and asked me if there was something wrong with him. People had been giving him strange looks. I had tell him that in his haste he had used the wrong mascara, and that his mustache was now bright blue. It was the last time he touched it up.

Wrong day

When I bought an expensive sports car, my two sons asked me who would inherit it when I met my demise. I told them that if I passed away on an even-numbered day, the son who was born on an even day would get it. If it happened on an odd day, the one born on the odd day would get it.

A few weekends later, while river rafting with one of my sons, I was tossed out of the boat. As I floated in the rapids, I heard him yelling, "It's the wrong day!"

Formal occasion

Having long suffered painful split on my hands during winter, I tried smearing a suggested remedy on them one night. As the ointment was very greasy, I then donned cotton gloves to protect the sheets.

After watching me from bed, my husband suddenly climbed out, went to the wardrobe and put on a tie. Astonished, I asked him why. "Well you didn't tell me this was a formal occasion," he replied.

Rush ..

Running late for work one morning, I quickly packed my things, pulled on some shoes and headed for the door. As I passed my maid's young son, he looked up at me and asked, "Aren't you forgetting something?"

"No, everything's in my bag and I really need to go," I replied quickly.

Then, as I was walking up the street, I glanced down and noticed my shadow- and my peculiar egg shaped head. I still had my bath towel twisted round my hair.

VIP

After my husband received an injury playing hockey, I drove him to the hospital to have his shoulder looked at. He was in a great deal of pain, and every bump I drove caused him agony. In the carpark, Dennis told me to pull into a spot near the front door, but I noticed a sign there that read VIP PARKING ONLY.

When I suggested that perhaps I shouldn't there, Dennis groaned, It stand for Very Injured Person. Park it!"

Hockey fight

When I signed up our four-year-old for floor hockey at the TMCA, I reviewed the rules with him. Steven was used to playing with his older sibling, and I wanted to be sure he wouldn't be too rough when playing with other four-year-olds. "Under no circumstances," I lectured, "are you allowed to hit anyone with your stick, no matter how mad they make you."

"Don't worry , Mummy," Steven replied. "I know that you drop your stick first and then fight!"

How to spell the name?

My last name is real mouthful so I was thrilled when my three-year-old niece learned to spell it. Until, that is my cousin burst my bubble.
"You can spell Sczygelski any way you like, " he pointed out. "Who's going to know if it's wrong?"

Dont leave your child alone in Disney World

A warning called out by a bus driver at Disney World: "Do't forget your kids. If we find them, we drop them off at the 'It's Small World' ride, where they'll learn the song in 30 languages, and sing it to you over and over."

complete facial

I was delighted to receive a card in the mail that entitled me to a complimentary "complete facial and non-surgical facelift" value at $30. I wasn't so sure how to feel, however, when I saw the last line that promised to "take up to five years off your life."

don't leave me with the scary cow (mum or sister) :-p.

Things were going very well with my new boyfriend so he invited me to meet his family.
I'd heard his sister and mother were a formidable duo but during our country walk we were getting on fine.
Then my boyfriend and his father strode ahead, leaving the women behind. Concerned by the attentions of the animals in the field we were crossing, I cried out, "Darling, you aren't going to leave me alone with these scary cow, are you?"

Interpersonal Communication

I was looking through a course booklet from our university, and one class caught my eye : Interpersonal Communication. Then I noticed the asterisk nex to the listing. At the bottom of the page was a note
"This course is only offered online."

how do you know you're getting old

"How do you know you're getting old?" friend asked.

"I give up," I said.

"When you tell you best friend you're having an affair and they ask 'Is it catered?"

wool or synthtics

I noticed my room-mate studying the three setting on our washing machine: woolens, cottens and syntetics.

"Problem?" I asked.

"Just wondering," he said. "If I were washing a sweater made from a cloned sheep, would I set it on wool or synthetics?"

dirty habit

My husband works for a church so we regurlarly attend and nuns. I feel nervous around them; it didn't help when my daughter spilled lemonade on a nun once.

"That's OK," she said, smiling, as I frantically wiped at the stain. "It's a dirty habit anyway."

awwccchhh how can you love kid?

Steve, my bachelor brother, claims to like kids. One day I asked, "If you like children so much, why don't you change the baby?"

"I'de like to," he said with mock seriousness. "But he's got to want to change."

For safety

There had been a rash of accident in my area where cars skidded into canals. Worries this might happen to her, my mother bought a tool break the windows if her car went underwater.

"I guess it's good to be prepared," I said. Looking around inside her car, I asked," So where's the tool, Mum?"

She replied, "I put it in the boot,"

Harvard or massachusetts

My wife and I live in Cambridge, Massachusetts- a university town. Rushing through the supermarket check-out, we did't notice we were in a 12-item and what we had was over the limit.
The weary cashier looked at all our groceries. "Are you from Harvard and can't count or from Massachusetts Institute of Technology and can't read?"

just checking

My friend's grandmother was in the hospital and was fading fast. When he visited her next day, he was glad to find her on the mend. "You really gave us a scare," he said. "we tought you were going to buy the farm."

"I'm fine," she reasured him. "I was just checking out the property."

conclusion

One evening my sister, Jane, and her husband were entertaining guest while their kids did their homework upstairs. During dinner, eight-year-old Jeff appered at the table. "Mum," he whispered trying not to be noticed.

"What is it, honey?"

"I need some help with my science experiment," he sad, handing Jane a marker and a piece of paper.

"What's this for?"

I need to draw a conclusion," Jeff said seriously, "but I don't know what one looks like."

conclusion

One evening my sister, Jane, and her husband were entertaining guest while their kids did their homework upstairs. During dinner, eight-year-old Jeff appered at the table. "Mum," he whispered trying not to be noticed.

"What is it, honey?"

"I need some help with my science experiment," he sad, handing Jane a marker and a piece of paper.

"What's this for?"

I need to draw a conclusion," Jeff said seriously, "but I don't know what one looks like."

Lunch with girls

When my friend's granddaughter, Emily asked her where she was going, my friend replied "Out to lunch with the girls." After a moment, Emily said, "Are they the girls with the old faces?

Talking to the horse

Our daughter, a riding instructor, began a lesson with a young girl who was seated astride a pony.
"How much riding have you done?" she asked the eight-year-old.
No answer.
Again, "How much riding have you done?"
Still no answer.
In a loud voice, in case the child was deaf, my daugther bellowed, "HOW MUCH RIDING HAVE YOU DONE?"
"Oh, sorry," said the girl. "I thought you were talking to the horse."

remember home address

Our day-care centre spent time helping the kids memorise their address. My daughter, who was in my class, had her street name, but couldn't remember the house number.

"If our house is on fire and you call the firefighters," I asked, "how will they know where to go?"
She had a plan:"I tell them to go to Baynes Street and look for the house on fire."

Heck???

Heck is where people go who don't believe in gosh

:-).

Too many bounced cheques meant no more Mr. Nice Guy for the manager of a local venience store. A sign in his window said 'We will cash your personal cheque up to $20 when you provide six forms of identification and a $50 deposit, refundable when your cheque clears."

negative food effect

Scientist have identified a food that, once digested, can have negative effect on people's health that last for two decades, including mood-swigs in women, psychotic episodes in men and severe depression in both.

It's called wedding cake.

Question and answer

Question: What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it?

Answer: None. It just gives a little wine.

Sold soul

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Feeding gators

The farmer takes a shortcut through his orchard to get to nearby pond, carrying a bucket to bring back some fruit.

Once he gets to the pond, he suprised to see two girls skinny-dipping.

They see him and immediately drop below the water. "We're not coming out until you leave!" shouts one of the girls.

"I didn't come to watch you swim naked," says the farmers, holding up the bucket. "I'm just here to feed the gators."

Mother-in-law present

Joe bought his mother-in -law a large plot in an expensive cemetery as a birthday gift. The next year, he bought her nothing. "Don't I deserve a present?" she moaned.

"You haven't used the one I bought you last year."

Last request

Two criminals were sentenced to die in electric chair on the same day. The priest had given them both last rites and a formal speech had been given by the warder.
The warden asked the first man, "Do you have a last request?"

The man replied"Yes, sir, I do. I love James Blunt. Could I please hear 'You're Beutiful' one last time?"

"Of course," replied the warden. He turned to another man and asked, "What about you? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

Depressed snake

Bert the snake goes to see his doctor. "I need something for my eyes. I can't see very well these days," he says. The doctor gives him a pair of glasses and tells him to come back in a fortnight.
Bert returns two weeks later that tells the doc he's very depressed.

"What's the problem?" asked the doctor."Didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine," says Bert. "But I just discovered I've been living with a garden hose for last three years."

Talking frog

A computer geek is crossing the road when he sees a frog start talking. "If you kiss me," the frog say, "I'll turn into a beautiful princess, stay with you for a week and do whatever you want."

That guy smiles and pockets the frog.

"did you hear me?" asks the frog. "A beutiful princess? For a week?"

"Look," says the nerd, "I haven't got time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog- now that's cool."

Dog kidnapper

Dave can't get to sleep because of constant barking of his neighbour's new dog. Furios, he storms out the house in the dead of the night.

Returning to bed several minutes later, he gleefully tell his wife, "I've kidnapped the noisy mutt and tied him up in our garden. See how they bloody like it!"

Colleague's band

A colleague's band performed in a park before an audience that gradually dwindled down to one lone man. After pounding out more songs, one of the tired musicians finally suggested to home lover that if he left, they could all go home.

"Do whatever you want," said the man. "I'm waiting around so I can put away the chairs."

stress management

Many seniors executives find talking with management consultant an invaluable experience. My friend, a no-nonsense businessman who works for a large firm, is not one of them.

Halfway through their meeting and noting my friend's terse answers, the consultant asked,"How do you cope with managerial stress?"

"I don't." came the gruffy reply. "I cause it."

Part-time job

Retired but wanting a part-time job, my friend took up a position with a funeral director.

At his first servis, he expected to find trestles in church aisle to rest the coffin on, but none were present.

Thinking on his feet, he immediately turned to the congregation and ask,"Can I have three chairs for coffin please,"

Avoice form the back responded, "Hip, hip.."

Patient

"Hello, nurse," said a rabbi, phoning me at the nurse station. "I got a call that a patient wanted to see me, but I'm not sure which one." Umsure, I took a wild stab. I went into a room, woke the patient and asked,"Did you request a rabbi?"

"No," she said sleepily, "I order the chef's salad."

Newspaper ad

A few choice words were exchanged when I placed a want ad in out local newspaper. The clerk and I resolved our differences, and I thought nothing of it, until I opened the paper the next day. There was ad by itself under a brand new category : "Help Clearly Needed."

success

A friend, having had some succes with work-relate project, was feeling rather pleased with herself. "You know what?" she told me. "I've come up smelling of trumps."

Human nature

The dogs next door get a little noisy, so one day somebody called animal control to complain. When the officers arrived, I heard my neighbour tell them, "Hey, dogs bark. It's human nature."

Human nature

The dogs next door get a little noisy, so one day somebody called animal control to complain. When the officers arrived, I heard my neighbour tell them, "Hey, dogs bark. It's human nature."

Star war's fan

Since he's a big Star Wars fan, my grandson Eric named the chicken he raised for his school project Mellenium Chicken, after the good guy's spaceship, Mellenium Falcon. There wasn't enough room to print that on the bird's crate, so insted, he wrote, "Hen Solo."

Car insurances

My wife left the car unattended for only a minute, but it was long enough for our two year-old to climb in, throw the car into reverse and crash into a lamppost.
He was fine, but the car wasn't, and I had a hard time explaining who was behind the wheel to the insurance company.
After a slight pause, the adjuster asked, "Do you let him drive often?"

Echoes

Tom, a friend of mine was recently on holidays with his family in Swiss Alps.
One day, he went for a walk through a deep valley. He decided to its reputation for amazing echoes.
"HELLO!" he shouted out and, sure enough, back came the reply, "HELLO! Hello! hello!"
Very much amused by this, he shouted out "TOM!"
Much to his suprise, back came another reply. "YES!"

Helping husband

While I was doing some research on how to get husband to help around the house, one wife told me that her husband take care of their children, cooked meals, shooped, cleaned and did the laundry for two weeks.
"He read somewhere that if a wife isn't too tired, she makes a better patner in bed," she said.
"Did it work?" I asked.
"Not really," she sighed. "He was too tired."

Pot or skillet

"I'll never find the right guy," I heard the young guest at the wedding shower sigh to her friends.
"Don't give up," urged an older woman. "Every pot has a lid."
"Or," a cynical voice behind her offered, "you could just be a skillet."

Good dog

Our neighbours had put much effort into training their dog to jump into back of their car on command.
Early one morning, I noticed John, the husband, holding his phone to the dog's ear with a look of frustration. Suddenly the animal jumped into the vehicle.
"He wouldn't move," explained John, "so I phoned my wife to give the command. He always obeys her."

Jump out

My parent, my husband and I drove to a show. At the theatre, Mum told Dad, "Warren jump out and get the ticket."
"You're telling an 86-years old man to jump?" he laughed.
"Sorry," Mum said. "shuffle out and get the ticket."

Energy crisis

I got into a deep discussion with my friend Julie about our energy crisis.
"I'll bet there are other choices besides oil that we haven't tried," I said.
"Yeah," she agree. "Someone should figure out how to turn used bridesmiad dresses into fuel."

Leather sofa

In the furniture section of a big new department store, I sat admiring a sofa. It was very cheap and I wondered if it could be genuine leather.
"Is this sofa pseudo leather?" I asked the young male shop assistant.
"oh, no, madam," he replied. "It's artificial."

Lighting hammer

During a home renovation, my grandfather was watching me drive in nails. "You hammer like lighting," he said.

"Really?" I asked.
"Yes, you never strike the asme place twice."

Long and healthy life

My friend's French grandmother was sharing with me the secret to her long, healthy life.

"The important thing," she said, "is a penis."

I almost choked on my drink and asked her to explain.
"Well," she continued. "It's so much better than un'appiness."

Kind farmer

A farmer offers to help a driver get his car out of a mud hole for 20 dollars. "yours is the tenth car I've rescued today," he say.

"Wow," says the driver. "When do you work your land? At night?"

"No, night is when I fill the hole tiwh water."

Light-bulb

Susan was desperate for a few days off from work. But she knew that the boss wouldn't let her take a vacation. So she got a crazy idea. She hung upside down on the ceiling until the big guy noticed and asked her what she was doing. "I'm a light-bulb," she told him

"You are clearly stressed-out," said the boss, looking concerned. "Go home and take it easy for a couple of days." Susan jumped down and headed for the door. Her co-worker Janice seized the opportunity and followed Susan.

"where do you think you're going?" the boss hollered after her.

"I'm going home, too," Janice said. "I can't work in the dark."

Longevity secret

After an old man reached his 100th birhtday, alocal radio station decided to ask him a few questions.

"What's your secret to longevity?" the reportwe asked.

"I never argue with anyone." the man replied.

"Surely that can't be it," said the reporter.

The man shrugged,"I suppose you're right."

Dog telegram

A dog walks into a telegram office, takes out a blank form and writes, "Woof.Woof.Woof.Woof.Woof.Woof.Woof.Woof.Woof."

"There are only nine words here," says the clerk. "you could send another 'woof' for the same price."

The dog look at him confused. "But that wouldn't make any sense."

Bicycle

During my keep-fit class, I had everyone lie on their backs with their legs up as if pedalling a bicycle. After several minutes, one man came to a halt. "Why did you stop pedalling?" I shouted.

"I didn't stop," he wheezing. "I'm coasting."

Gamble

The casino where I worked went through a round of layoff just before the holidays. But it wasn't all bad news. In a emo, management stated, "During the christmas seasons, laid-off employees will not have to wait the normal mandatory seven days before they are allowed to gamble."

Bookie crumbles

My father-in-law, a retired detective, told me about the time he arrested a gangster who ran a gambling ring. Once in custody, the man began giving names.

"I'm suprised how easily these tough guys break down", I said.

Bill shrugged."Sometimes that's just the way the bookie crumbles."

Bonus question

Many tourist come to Yellowstone National Park armed with lots of questions. As someone who works nearby, I don't alwasy have the answers. Like the time one earnest woman approached me to ask, "At what elevation do deer turn into elk?"

Liquid

Pointing to the passenger's water bottle, a fellow airport screener said, "Sorry, you can't bring liquid on board."

The passenger became irate. "It's not a liquid," he snapped. "It's a beverage."

Believe or be leaving

My wife had a career crisis: should she quit her job? Knowing how panic she was, I called our florist and send her a bouquet with a card saying. "I believe in you. Love, Mose"
Later she called to thank me. "But I'm a little confused by the card," she admitted.
"Really? Why?"
"Because it reads 'I be leaving you. Love, Mose."