Escaped Convict

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years."
"I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you."
"Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline."
"I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Job advertisement

What job advertisement really mean:
-"Join our fast-paced company"-We have no time to train you
-"Must be deadlines oriented"-You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
-"No phone calls please"-We've filled the job;our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
-"seeking candidates with a ide variety of experience"-You'll need it to replace the three people who just left.
"requires team leadership skills"-You'll have the responsibilities of manager without pay or respect.

hidden heel

One evening a man gave his tipsy secretary a ride home after an office party. His wife was prone to jealousy, so he didn't mention the incident to her. Later in the evening he was driving his wife to a restaurant when he noticed a stiletto-heeled shoe half-hidden under the passenger seat.

Gripped with terror, he took advantage of a moment when she wasn't looking to grab the shoe and throw it out of the windows.

The rest of the journey went well until they arrived at the restaurant. "That's strange," said his wife, looking a little agitated. "Have you seen my other shoe?"

Awful time

"I've had an awful time," a boy told his friends. "First, I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics and, top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."

"Wow!" sympathized his friends."How did you pull thought?"

"I don't know," the boy replied. "It was the toughest spelling test I've ever had."

Awful time

"I've had an awful time," a boy told his friends. "First, I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics and, top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."

"Wow!" sympathized his friends."How did you pull thought?"

"I don't know," the boy replied. "It was the toughest spelling test I've ever had."

Holidays

A man is painting his house."Gee, you're lucky," he calls out to a neighbor who is washing his windows. "You only get ten days' holiday. I get 20!"

Mike and Joe

Two salesmen, Joe and Mike, were stranded by a storm and took refuge in a house occupied by an attractive single woman. In the middle of the night, Joe heard Mike sneak out of bed and into the woman's room. Joe said nothing about it until nine months lated when a registered letter arrived at his office. Clutching the letter, he walked into Mike's office. "Do you remember the night we were stranded by the storm and you sneaked out of your room to be with that woman?"

"Yes," Mike replied.

"You told her you were me, didn't you?" Joe demanded.

"Yes, I did," Mike said nervously. "Why do you ask?"

"Because," Joe replied, "she just died and left me a fortune!"

Heaven mistake

An engineer died and was sent to hell by mistake. Hell was very uncomfortable, so he installed air conditioning, escalators, flush toilets and a host of other modern conveniences.

One day God phoned Satan to ask how things were in hell."Great!" replied Satan."Our engineer has made all kinds of improvements down here."

"What are you doing with an engineer!"thundered God. "That engineer must be sent up to heaven immediately or I'll sue!"

"Oh really?"replied Satan. "And just where do you intend to find a lawyer?"

145 years

Late night, Paddy, Sean and Shamus were stumbling home from the pub and wandered into the graveyard. "Come have a look over here," said Paddy. "It's Micheal O' Grady's grave. God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing,"said Sean. "Here's one named Jack Kenzo. It says here that he was 98 when he died."

Just then Shamus yelled out,"Forget him, here's a fellow who lived up to 145 years!"

"What's his name?" asked Paddy.

Shamus fumbled around trying to light a match to see what else was written on the stone marker, then said, "Miles to Dublin."

Hiding

Soon after we arrived at my husband's new duty station, I took our young son to the base hospital to take care of our health records. A Marine wearing a green, brown and black camouflage uniform, along with heavy combat boots, sat at his keyboard, entering out information. My sin stared at him in awe, then turned to me and asked, "Mummy, does he think he's hiding?"

Leave the farm

While delivering a motivational lecture to a group of young Navy men, I spoke in great detail about why I joined the military and how much it meant to me. Finishing my story, I pointed to a young, sharp-looking sailor and asked him why he decided to go to sea. "Well, chief," he said, "when my old man put light on the tractor, I knew it was time to leave the farm."

Excellence first

"Excellence first" was the motto of my army company and we were required to repeat it every time we great an officer. One afternoon however, I met a second lieutenant at the entrance of the building where I work and forget to recite the motto. After receiving a scolding for my breach of protocol, I reached out to open the door for him, but he said, "No allow me."

As I walked through the open door, I nodded to him and said without thinking, "Excellence first!"

Report for duty

Newly minted as an ensign, I reported for duty at the naval medical centre, ready to follow all the rules. Expecting a nonsense environment, I was surprised to see a sign above the door of my new ward:"Welcome to Proctology. To expedite your visit, please back in."

See the world

After being at sea in the Persian Gulf for 90 days straight, I went to the squadron command master chief to complain. "Chief, I joined the Navy to see the world." I said,"but for past three month all I've seen is mater."

"Lieutenant," he replied, "three-quarter of the earth is covered with water, and Navy has been showing you that. If you wanted to see the other quarter, you should have joined the Army."

Number

When I joined the army, there was a high volume of new recruits. Instead of using our names, we were called by ID numbers. On the second day of reception, a group of new privates were waiting for instructions. Suddenly a sergeant burst into the room and yelled, "Hey, you, Private!" We all stared, unsure of who he was talking to. Annoyed, the sergeant stepped up to the intended private and shouted, "YOU!"

"Hey," she protested, "I have a number!"

Silence night

Life in board an aircraft carrier is noisy, with jets, mechanical equipment and the dull roar of blowers circulating air. One night the ship had a massive power failure, and our berthing compartment became abruptly quiet. Everyone woke up with a start. One half asleep seamen shouted, "What the heck was that!"

From across the dark room came a voice, "That was silence, you idiot!"

Grass removal

The day before graduation from army basic training, I stood on the edge of a blazing hot parade field watching a group of soldiers rake the freshly cut grass. Suddenly, a helicopter appeared and made a practice landing in anticipation of delivering a dignitary the following day. The sergeant in charge of the ranking detail ran to the cooper and spoke to the pilot. He jogged off the filed, taking his group with him. The helicopter lifted off, made a few low passes over the field, then flew away. I asked the sergeant what manoeuvre the pilot had been practicing. He smiled and said, "Grass removal."

Air force officer

My father served in the air force for 25 years. One day he was outside the officers' lounge at a remote base when he noticed a hat rack, hammered next to the entrance. Above it was sign that read :"For officers only."

Someone had added:"But feel free to hang caps here as well."

Baptism

As a newly arrived missionary in Arnhem Land, in Australia's Northern Territory, I was keen to establish a good working relationship with local Aboriginal minister. Curious about the way he preferred to conduct baptism, I asked him if he used the nearby river.

"Oh no," he replied.

"Why not?" I asked, my preconceived ideas about missionary work under challenge. "Crocodiles," he said.

Jokes of the day

Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it!