Escaped Convict

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years."
"I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you."
"Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline."
"I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Job advertisement

What job advertisement really mean:
-"Join our fast-paced company"-We have no time to train you
-"Must be deadlines oriented"-You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
-"No phone calls please"-We've filled the job;our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
-"seeking candidates with a ide variety of experience"-You'll need it to replace the three people who just left.
"requires team leadership skills"-You'll have the responsibilities of manager without pay or respect.

hidden heel

One evening a man gave his tipsy secretary a ride home after an office party. His wife was prone to jealousy, so he didn't mention the incident to her. Later in the evening he was driving his wife to a restaurant when he noticed a stiletto-heeled shoe half-hidden under the passenger seat.

Gripped with terror, he took advantage of a moment when she wasn't looking to grab the shoe and throw it out of the windows.

The rest of the journey went well until they arrived at the restaurant. "That's strange," said his wife, looking a little agitated. "Have you seen my other shoe?"

Awful time

"I've had an awful time," a boy told his friends. "First, I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics and, top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."

"Wow!" sympathized his friends."How did you pull thought?"

"I don't know," the boy replied. "It was the toughest spelling test I've ever had."

Awful time

"I've had an awful time," a boy told his friends. "First, I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics and, top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."

"Wow!" sympathized his friends."How did you pull thought?"

"I don't know," the boy replied. "It was the toughest spelling test I've ever had."

Holidays

A man is painting his house."Gee, you're lucky," he calls out to a neighbor who is washing his windows. "You only get ten days' holiday. I get 20!"

Mike and Joe

Two salesmen, Joe and Mike, were stranded by a storm and took refuge in a house occupied by an attractive single woman. In the middle of the night, Joe heard Mike sneak out of bed and into the woman's room. Joe said nothing about it until nine months lated when a registered letter arrived at his office. Clutching the letter, he walked into Mike's office. "Do you remember the night we were stranded by the storm and you sneaked out of your room to be with that woman?"

"Yes," Mike replied.

"You told her you were me, didn't you?" Joe demanded.

"Yes, I did," Mike said nervously. "Why do you ask?"

"Because," Joe replied, "she just died and left me a fortune!"

Heaven mistake

An engineer died and was sent to hell by mistake. Hell was very uncomfortable, so he installed air conditioning, escalators, flush toilets and a host of other modern conveniences.

One day God phoned Satan to ask how things were in hell."Great!" replied Satan."Our engineer has made all kinds of improvements down here."

"What are you doing with an engineer!"thundered God. "That engineer must be sent up to heaven immediately or I'll sue!"

"Oh really?"replied Satan. "And just where do you intend to find a lawyer?"

145 years

Late night, Paddy, Sean and Shamus were stumbling home from the pub and wandered into the graveyard. "Come have a look over here," said Paddy. "It's Micheal O' Grady's grave. God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing,"said Sean. "Here's one named Jack Kenzo. It says here that he was 98 when he died."

Just then Shamus yelled out,"Forget him, here's a fellow who lived up to 145 years!"

"What's his name?" asked Paddy.

Shamus fumbled around trying to light a match to see what else was written on the stone marker, then said, "Miles to Dublin."

Hiding

Soon after we arrived at my husband's new duty station, I took our young son to the base hospital to take care of our health records. A Marine wearing a green, brown and black camouflage uniform, along with heavy combat boots, sat at his keyboard, entering out information. My sin stared at him in awe, then turned to me and asked, "Mummy, does he think he's hiding?"

Leave the farm

While delivering a motivational lecture to a group of young Navy men, I spoke in great detail about why I joined the military and how much it meant to me. Finishing my story, I pointed to a young, sharp-looking sailor and asked him why he decided to go to sea. "Well, chief," he said, "when my old man put light on the tractor, I knew it was time to leave the farm."

Excellence first

"Excellence first" was the motto of my army company and we were required to repeat it every time we great an officer. One afternoon however, I met a second lieutenant at the entrance of the building where I work and forget to recite the motto. After receiving a scolding for my breach of protocol, I reached out to open the door for him, but he said, "No allow me."

As I walked through the open door, I nodded to him and said without thinking, "Excellence first!"

Report for duty

Newly minted as an ensign, I reported for duty at the naval medical centre, ready to follow all the rules. Expecting a nonsense environment, I was surprised to see a sign above the door of my new ward:"Welcome to Proctology. To expedite your visit, please back in."

See the world

After being at sea in the Persian Gulf for 90 days straight, I went to the squadron command master chief to complain. "Chief, I joined the Navy to see the world." I said,"but for past three month all I've seen is mater."

"Lieutenant," he replied, "three-quarter of the earth is covered with water, and Navy has been showing you that. If you wanted to see the other quarter, you should have joined the Army."

Number

When I joined the army, there was a high volume of new recruits. Instead of using our names, we were called by ID numbers. On the second day of reception, a group of new privates were waiting for instructions. Suddenly a sergeant burst into the room and yelled, "Hey, you, Private!" We all stared, unsure of who he was talking to. Annoyed, the sergeant stepped up to the intended private and shouted, "YOU!"

"Hey," she protested, "I have a number!"

Silence night

Life in board an aircraft carrier is noisy, with jets, mechanical equipment and the dull roar of blowers circulating air. One night the ship had a massive power failure, and our berthing compartment became abruptly quiet. Everyone woke up with a start. One half asleep seamen shouted, "What the heck was that!"

From across the dark room came a voice, "That was silence, you idiot!"

Grass removal

The day before graduation from army basic training, I stood on the edge of a blazing hot parade field watching a group of soldiers rake the freshly cut grass. Suddenly, a helicopter appeared and made a practice landing in anticipation of delivering a dignitary the following day. The sergeant in charge of the ranking detail ran to the cooper and spoke to the pilot. He jogged off the filed, taking his group with him. The helicopter lifted off, made a few low passes over the field, then flew away. I asked the sergeant what manoeuvre the pilot had been practicing. He smiled and said, "Grass removal."

Air force officer

My father served in the air force for 25 years. One day he was outside the officers' lounge at a remote base when he noticed a hat rack, hammered next to the entrance. Above it was sign that read :"For officers only."

Someone had added:"But feel free to hang caps here as well."

Baptism

As a newly arrived missionary in Arnhem Land, in Australia's Northern Territory, I was keen to establish a good working relationship with local Aboriginal minister. Curious about the way he preferred to conduct baptism, I asked him if he used the nearby river.

"Oh no," he replied.

"Why not?" I asked, my preconceived ideas about missionary work under challenge. "Crocodiles," he said.

Jokes of the day

Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it!

university (2)

A first year student at my university was puzzled about how to address her history lecturer. "Should I call you 'Professor'," she asked, "or 'Mrs'?"

Smiling, the professor replied, "Call me 'Mrs'- I worked harder for it."

university (1)

Just days after graduating from a prestigious university, our daughter began writing thank-you notes for graduation gifts. She asked if I thought it immodest of her to tell her aunt she had graduated summa cum laude. When I said it would not appear boastful to tell a family member, the honours graduate thanked me and asked . "How do you spell summa cum laude?"

university

My friend, a graduate student in Delhi, attends classes in large lecture theaters that have elevated seating. In one class, an older professor was having difficulty controlling some boys sitting in the back who were making a racket. As usual, the girl were quietly seated in the front.

After a particularly loud noise, the professor angrily yelled, "The pants at the back come down and skirts in the front go up!"

same school

As an engineer in an upmarket hotel, I was once asked to repair or replace the television in a guest's room. When I arrived, the couple was watching a picture one-third the size of the screen. As all our spare sets were in use, I figure what he heck and struck the side of the tv with the heel of my hand. The picture returned to full size.

"Look honey," said the wife to her husband. "He went to the same repair school as you!"

late for work

Getting to work on time is my biggest problem. Early one morning, driving to the office, I saw a turtle in the middle of the road. I just had to rescue the creature. It took a few minutes for me to stop the car, get out, grab the turtle and move it over to the side of the road. Then I rushed on to work.

When I saw my boss at the door, I said quickly, "It's not my fault, Rich. There was a turtle on the road."

Before I could go any futher, he bellowed, "So what are you saying- you drove behind it?"

fax machine

Recently the staff at my company received an e-mail from management. It read: "Please be aware that certain fax machines will print a transmission report after a successful transmission. Most of the time, this report will contain the first page of the transmission. This should be kept in mind when faxing confidential documents.

"P.S. Good luck to the guy applying for the job at our competitors."

doghouse for shepherd

While my husband was building a doghouse for our German shepherd, he called me a different stages of its construction to admire it. When it was complete, he asked me to help him move it.

We picked it up, all 90 kilograms of it, and discovered we couldn't get it out the basement door.

next-door neighbor

My sister was shopping in town when a voice called, "Hello, Jill." She responded with a cheery "Hello," while desperately trying to put a name to the familiar face. She didn't have a clue who it was, so he tried asking about family, work, holidays, all to no avail. Finally, in desperation she asked, "Where are you living now?"

There was brief pause, then the answer : "I'm still your next-door neighbor."

Make phone call

Every year my husband does on a fishing trip with our son and his family. He takes our grandson out in the rowboat at night and they tie up at a good spot under a bridge. It's a chore, so once they're tied up, they don't like to move.

Last summer my grandson had a steady girlfriend and wanted to call her every night at ten sharp. The problem: his mobile phone didn't work under the bridge. But this didn't faze him. He found a plastic bag and put the phone in it. Holding the bag above his head, he got into water and swam away from the bridge. then, treading water for five minutes, he made his call.

Speaking Wilbur

The kids had been driving me nuts, asking me to buy them a talking bird, so I finally got them a parrot. We named him Wilbur and tried to teach him some words, but all he would say was, "Hello. Hello."

Over and over, my elder son tried to get Wilbur to say "Jeff is the greatest." Nothing. My husband tried with "Give this a raise." Nothing. I took a turn with "Clean your room." Still nothing.

Finally Wilbur started talking. During dinner all we heard was "He did it. No, He did it," and then "Get out of my room."

mustache touch up

My husband began darkening his graying mustache with my black mascara. One morning he was in a hurry when he quickly touch up the mustache at our badly kit dressing table. On his return home, he was very agitated and asked me if there was something wrong with him. People had been giving him strange looks. I had tell him that in his haste he had used the wrong mascara, and that his mustache was now bright blue. It was the last time he touched it up.

Wrong day

When I bought an expensive sports car, my two sons asked me who would inherit it when I met my demise. I told them that if I passed away on an even-numbered day, the son who was born on an even day would get it. If it happened on an odd day, the one born on the odd day would get it.

A few weekends later, while river rafting with one of my sons, I was tossed out of the boat. As I floated in the rapids, I heard him yelling, "It's the wrong day!"

Formal occasion

Having long suffered painful split on my hands during winter, I tried smearing a suggested remedy on them one night. As the ointment was very greasy, I then donned cotton gloves to protect the sheets.

After watching me from bed, my husband suddenly climbed out, went to the wardrobe and put on a tie. Astonished, I asked him why. "Well you didn't tell me this was a formal occasion," he replied.

Rush ..

Running late for work one morning, I quickly packed my things, pulled on some shoes and headed for the door. As I passed my maid's young son, he looked up at me and asked, "Aren't you forgetting something?"

"No, everything's in my bag and I really need to go," I replied quickly.

Then, as I was walking up the street, I glanced down and noticed my shadow- and my peculiar egg shaped head. I still had my bath towel twisted round my hair.

VIP

After my husband received an injury playing hockey, I drove him to the hospital to have his shoulder looked at. He was in a great deal of pain, and every bump I drove caused him agony. In the carpark, Dennis told me to pull into a spot near the front door, but I noticed a sign there that read VIP PARKING ONLY.

When I suggested that perhaps I shouldn't there, Dennis groaned, It stand for Very Injured Person. Park it!"

Hockey fight

When I signed up our four-year-old for floor hockey at the TMCA, I reviewed the rules with him. Steven was used to playing with his older sibling, and I wanted to be sure he wouldn't be too rough when playing with other four-year-olds. "Under no circumstances," I lectured, "are you allowed to hit anyone with your stick, no matter how mad they make you."

"Don't worry , Mummy," Steven replied. "I know that you drop your stick first and then fight!"