145 years

Late night, Paddy, Sean and Shamus were stumbling home from the pub and wandered into the graveyard. "Come have a look over here," said Paddy. "It's Micheal O' Grady's grave. God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing,"said Sean. "Here's one named Jack Kenzo. It says here that he was 98 when he died."

Just then Shamus yelled out,"Forget him, here's a fellow who lived up to 145 years!"

"What's his name?" asked Paddy.

Shamus fumbled around trying to light a match to see what else was written on the stone marker, then said, "Miles to Dublin."

Hiding

Soon after we arrived at my husband's new duty station, I took our young son to the base hospital to take care of our health records. A Marine wearing a green, brown and black camouflage uniform, along with heavy combat boots, sat at his keyboard, entering out information. My sin stared at him in awe, then turned to me and asked, "Mummy, does he think he's hiding?"

Leave the farm

While delivering a motivational lecture to a group of young Navy men, I spoke in great detail about why I joined the military and how much it meant to me. Finishing my story, I pointed to a young, sharp-looking sailor and asked him why he decided to go to sea. "Well, chief," he said, "when my old man put light on the tractor, I knew it was time to leave the farm."

Excellence first

"Excellence first" was the motto of my army company and we were required to repeat it every time we great an officer. One afternoon however, I met a second lieutenant at the entrance of the building where I work and forget to recite the motto. After receiving a scolding for my breach of protocol, I reached out to open the door for him, but he said, "No allow me."

As I walked through the open door, I nodded to him and said without thinking, "Excellence first!"

Report for duty

Newly minted as an ensign, I reported for duty at the naval medical centre, ready to follow all the rules. Expecting a nonsense environment, I was surprised to see a sign above the door of my new ward:"Welcome to Proctology. To expedite your visit, please back in."

See the world

After being at sea in the Persian Gulf for 90 days straight, I went to the squadron command master chief to complain. "Chief, I joined the Navy to see the world." I said,"but for past three month all I've seen is mater."

"Lieutenant," he replied, "three-quarter of the earth is covered with water, and Navy has been showing you that. If you wanted to see the other quarter, you should have joined the Army."

Number

When I joined the army, there was a high volume of new recruits. Instead of using our names, we were called by ID numbers. On the second day of reception, a group of new privates were waiting for instructions. Suddenly a sergeant burst into the room and yelled, "Hey, you, Private!" We all stared, unsure of who he was talking to. Annoyed, the sergeant stepped up to the intended private and shouted, "YOU!"

"Hey," she protested, "I have a number!"

Silence night

Life in board an aircraft carrier is noisy, with jets, mechanical equipment and the dull roar of blowers circulating air. One night the ship had a massive power failure, and our berthing compartment became abruptly quiet. Everyone woke up with a start. One half asleep seamen shouted, "What the heck was that!"

From across the dark room came a voice, "That was silence, you idiot!"