How to spell the name?

My last name is real mouthful so I was thrilled when my three-year-old niece learned to spell it. Until, that is my cousin burst my bubble.
"You can spell Sczygelski any way you like, " he pointed out. "Who's going to know if it's wrong?"

Dont leave your child alone in Disney World

A warning called out by a bus driver at Disney World: "Do't forget your kids. If we find them, we drop them off at the 'It's Small World' ride, where they'll learn the song in 30 languages, and sing it to you over and over."

complete facial

I was delighted to receive a card in the mail that entitled me to a complimentary "complete facial and non-surgical facelift" value at $30. I wasn't so sure how to feel, however, when I saw the last line that promised to "take up to five years off your life."

don't leave me with the scary cow (mum or sister) :-p.

Things were going very well with my new boyfriend so he invited me to meet his family.
I'd heard his sister and mother were a formidable duo but during our country walk we were getting on fine.
Then my boyfriend and his father strode ahead, leaving the women behind. Concerned by the attentions of the animals in the field we were crossing, I cried out, "Darling, you aren't going to leave me alone with these scary cow, are you?"

Interpersonal Communication

I was looking through a course booklet from our university, and one class caught my eye : Interpersonal Communication. Then I noticed the asterisk nex to the listing. At the bottom of the page was a note
"This course is only offered online."

how do you know you're getting old

"How do you know you're getting old?" friend asked.

"I give up," I said.

"When you tell you best friend you're having an affair and they ask 'Is it catered?"

wool or synthtics

I noticed my room-mate studying the three setting on our washing machine: woolens, cottens and syntetics.

"Problem?" I asked.

"Just wondering," he said. "If I were washing a sweater made from a cloned sheep, would I set it on wool or synthetics?"

dirty habit

My husband works for a church so we regurlarly attend and nuns. I feel nervous around them; it didn't help when my daughter spilled lemonade on a nun once.

"That's OK," she said, smiling, as I frantically wiped at the stain. "It's a dirty habit anyway."

awwccchhh how can you love kid?

Steve, my bachelor brother, claims to like kids. One day I asked, "If you like children so much, why don't you change the baby?"

"I'de like to," he said with mock seriousness. "But he's got to want to change."

For safety

There had been a rash of accident in my area where cars skidded into canals. Worries this might happen to her, my mother bought a tool break the windows if her car went underwater.

"I guess it's good to be prepared," I said. Looking around inside her car, I asked," So where's the tool, Mum?"

She replied, "I put it in the boot,"

Harvard or massachusetts

My wife and I live in Cambridge, Massachusetts- a university town. Rushing through the supermarket check-out, we did't notice we were in a 12-item and what we had was over the limit.
The weary cashier looked at all our groceries. "Are you from Harvard and can't count or from Massachusetts Institute of Technology and can't read?"

just checking

My friend's grandmother was in the hospital and was fading fast. When he visited her next day, he was glad to find her on the mend. "You really gave us a scare," he said. "we tought you were going to buy the farm."

"I'm fine," she reasured him. "I was just checking out the property."

conclusion

One evening my sister, Jane, and her husband were entertaining guest while their kids did their homework upstairs. During dinner, eight-year-old Jeff appered at the table. "Mum," he whispered trying not to be noticed.

"What is it, honey?"

"I need some help with my science experiment," he sad, handing Jane a marker and a piece of paper.

"What's this for?"

I need to draw a conclusion," Jeff said seriously, "but I don't know what one looks like."

conclusion

One evening my sister, Jane, and her husband were entertaining guest while their kids did their homework upstairs. During dinner, eight-year-old Jeff appered at the table. "Mum," he whispered trying not to be noticed.

"What is it, honey?"

"I need some help with my science experiment," he sad, handing Jane a marker and a piece of paper.

"What's this for?"

I need to draw a conclusion," Jeff said seriously, "but I don't know what one looks like."

Lunch with girls

When my friend's granddaughter, Emily asked her where she was going, my friend replied "Out to lunch with the girls." After a moment, Emily said, "Are they the girls with the old faces?

Talking to the horse

Our daughter, a riding instructor, began a lesson with a young girl who was seated astride a pony.
"How much riding have you done?" she asked the eight-year-old.
No answer.
Again, "How much riding have you done?"
Still no answer.
In a loud voice, in case the child was deaf, my daugther bellowed, "HOW MUCH RIDING HAVE YOU DONE?"
"Oh, sorry," said the girl. "I thought you were talking to the horse."

remember home address

Our day-care centre spent time helping the kids memorise their address. My daughter, who was in my class, had her street name, but couldn't remember the house number.

"If our house is on fire and you call the firefighters," I asked, "how will they know where to go?"
She had a plan:"I tell them to go to Baynes Street and look for the house on fire."

Heck???

Heck is where people go who don't believe in gosh

:-).

Too many bounced cheques meant no more Mr. Nice Guy for the manager of a local venience store. A sign in his window said 'We will cash your personal cheque up to $20 when you provide six forms of identification and a $50 deposit, refundable when your cheque clears."

negative food effect

Scientist have identified a food that, once digested, can have negative effect on people's health that last for two decades, including mood-swigs in women, psychotic episodes in men and severe depression in both.

It's called wedding cake.

Question and answer

Question: What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it?

Answer: None. It just gives a little wine.

Sold soul

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Feeding gators

The farmer takes a shortcut through his orchard to get to nearby pond, carrying a bucket to bring back some fruit.

Once he gets to the pond, he suprised to see two girls skinny-dipping.

They see him and immediately drop below the water. "We're not coming out until you leave!" shouts one of the girls.

"I didn't come to watch you swim naked," says the farmers, holding up the bucket. "I'm just here to feed the gators."

Mother-in-law present

Joe bought his mother-in -law a large plot in an expensive cemetery as a birthday gift. The next year, he bought her nothing. "Don't I deserve a present?" she moaned.

"You haven't used the one I bought you last year."

Last request

Two criminals were sentenced to die in electric chair on the same day. The priest had given them both last rites and a formal speech had been given by the warder.
The warden asked the first man, "Do you have a last request?"

The man replied"Yes, sir, I do. I love James Blunt. Could I please hear 'You're Beutiful' one last time?"

"Of course," replied the warden. He turned to another man and asked, "What about you? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

Depressed snake

Bert the snake goes to see his doctor. "I need something for my eyes. I can't see very well these days," he says. The doctor gives him a pair of glasses and tells him to come back in a fortnight.
Bert returns two weeks later that tells the doc he's very depressed.

"What's the problem?" asked the doctor."Didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine," says Bert. "But I just discovered I've been living with a garden hose for last three years."

Talking frog

A computer geek is crossing the road when he sees a frog start talking. "If you kiss me," the frog say, "I'll turn into a beautiful princess, stay with you for a week and do whatever you want."

That guy smiles and pockets the frog.

"did you hear me?" asks the frog. "A beutiful princess? For a week?"

"Look," says the nerd, "I haven't got time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog- now that's cool."

Dog kidnapper

Dave can't get to sleep because of constant barking of his neighbour's new dog. Furios, he storms out the house in the dead of the night.

Returning to bed several minutes later, he gleefully tell his wife, "I've kidnapped the noisy mutt and tied him up in our garden. See how they bloody like it!"

Colleague's band

A colleague's band performed in a park before an audience that gradually dwindled down to one lone man. After pounding out more songs, one of the tired musicians finally suggested to home lover that if he left, they could all go home.

"Do whatever you want," said the man. "I'm waiting around so I can put away the chairs."

stress management

Many seniors executives find talking with management consultant an invaluable experience. My friend, a no-nonsense businessman who works for a large firm, is not one of them.

Halfway through their meeting and noting my friend's terse answers, the consultant asked,"How do you cope with managerial stress?"

"I don't." came the gruffy reply. "I cause it."

Part-time job

Retired but wanting a part-time job, my friend took up a position with a funeral director.

At his first servis, he expected to find trestles in church aisle to rest the coffin on, but none were present.

Thinking on his feet, he immediately turned to the congregation and ask,"Can I have three chairs for coffin please,"

Avoice form the back responded, "Hip, hip.."

Patient

"Hello, nurse," said a rabbi, phoning me at the nurse station. "I got a call that a patient wanted to see me, but I'm not sure which one." Umsure, I took a wild stab. I went into a room, woke the patient and asked,"Did you request a rabbi?"

"No," she said sleepily, "I order the chef's salad."

Newspaper ad

A few choice words were exchanged when I placed a want ad in out local newspaper. The clerk and I resolved our differences, and I thought nothing of it, until I opened the paper the next day. There was ad by itself under a brand new category : "Help Clearly Needed."

success

A friend, having had some succes with work-relate project, was feeling rather pleased with herself. "You know what?" she told me. "I've come up smelling of trumps."

Human nature

The dogs next door get a little noisy, so one day somebody called animal control to complain. When the officers arrived, I heard my neighbour tell them, "Hey, dogs bark. It's human nature."

Human nature

The dogs next door get a little noisy, so one day somebody called animal control to complain. When the officers arrived, I heard my neighbour tell them, "Hey, dogs bark. It's human nature."

Star war's fan

Since he's a big Star Wars fan, my grandson Eric named the chicken he raised for his school project Mellenium Chicken, after the good guy's spaceship, Mellenium Falcon. There wasn't enough room to print that on the bird's crate, so insted, he wrote, "Hen Solo."

Car insurances

My wife left the car unattended for only a minute, but it was long enough for our two year-old to climb in, throw the car into reverse and crash into a lamppost.
He was fine, but the car wasn't, and I had a hard time explaining who was behind the wheel to the insurance company.
After a slight pause, the adjuster asked, "Do you let him drive often?"

Echoes

Tom, a friend of mine was recently on holidays with his family in Swiss Alps.
One day, he went for a walk through a deep valley. He decided to its reputation for amazing echoes.
"HELLO!" he shouted out and, sure enough, back came the reply, "HELLO! Hello! hello!"
Very much amused by this, he shouted out "TOM!"
Much to his suprise, back came another reply. "YES!"

Helping husband

While I was doing some research on how to get husband to help around the house, one wife told me that her husband take care of their children, cooked meals, shooped, cleaned and did the laundry for two weeks.
"He read somewhere that if a wife isn't too tired, she makes a better patner in bed," she said.
"Did it work?" I asked.
"Not really," she sighed. "He was too tired."

Pot or skillet

"I'll never find the right guy," I heard the young guest at the wedding shower sigh to her friends.
"Don't give up," urged an older woman. "Every pot has a lid."
"Or," a cynical voice behind her offered, "you could just be a skillet."

Good dog

Our neighbours had put much effort into training their dog to jump into back of their car on command.
Early one morning, I noticed John, the husband, holding his phone to the dog's ear with a look of frustration. Suddenly the animal jumped into the vehicle.
"He wouldn't move," explained John, "so I phoned my wife to give the command. He always obeys her."

Jump out

My parent, my husband and I drove to a show. At the theatre, Mum told Dad, "Warren jump out and get the ticket."
"You're telling an 86-years old man to jump?" he laughed.
"Sorry," Mum said. "shuffle out and get the ticket."

Energy crisis

I got into a deep discussion with my friend Julie about our energy crisis.
"I'll bet there are other choices besides oil that we haven't tried," I said.
"Yeah," she agree. "Someone should figure out how to turn used bridesmiad dresses into fuel."

Leather sofa

In the furniture section of a big new department store, I sat admiring a sofa. It was very cheap and I wondered if it could be genuine leather.
"Is this sofa pseudo leather?" I asked the young male shop assistant.
"oh, no, madam," he replied. "It's artificial."

Lighting hammer

During a home renovation, my grandfather was watching me drive in nails. "You hammer like lighting," he said.

"Really?" I asked.
"Yes, you never strike the asme place twice."

Long and healthy life

My friend's French grandmother was sharing with me the secret to her long, healthy life.

"The important thing," she said, "is a penis."

I almost choked on my drink and asked her to explain.
"Well," she continued. "It's so much better than un'appiness."

Kind farmer

A farmer offers to help a driver get his car out of a mud hole for 20 dollars. "yours is the tenth car I've rescued today," he say.

"Wow," says the driver. "When do you work your land? At night?"

"No, night is when I fill the hole tiwh water."

Light-bulb

Susan was desperate for a few days off from work. But she knew that the boss wouldn't let her take a vacation. So she got a crazy idea. She hung upside down on the ceiling until the big guy noticed and asked her what she was doing. "I'm a light-bulb," she told him

"You are clearly stressed-out," said the boss, looking concerned. "Go home and take it easy for a couple of days." Susan jumped down and headed for the door. Her co-worker Janice seized the opportunity and followed Susan.

"where do you think you're going?" the boss hollered after her.

"I'm going home, too," Janice said. "I can't work in the dark."

Longevity secret

After an old man reached his 100th birhtday, alocal radio station decided to ask him a few questions.

"What's your secret to longevity?" the reportwe asked.

"I never argue with anyone." the man replied.

"Surely that can't be it," said the reporter.

The man shrugged,"I suppose you're right."

Dog telegram

A dog walks into a telegram office, takes out a blank form and writes, "Woof.Woof.Woof.Woof.Woof.Woof.Woof.Woof.Woof."

"There are only nine words here," says the clerk. "you could send another 'woof' for the same price."

The dog look at him confused. "But that wouldn't make any sense."

Bicycle

During my keep-fit class, I had everyone lie on their backs with their legs up as if pedalling a bicycle. After several minutes, one man came to a halt. "Why did you stop pedalling?" I shouted.

"I didn't stop," he wheezing. "I'm coasting."

Gamble

The casino where I worked went through a round of layoff just before the holidays. But it wasn't all bad news. In a emo, management stated, "During the christmas seasons, laid-off employees will not have to wait the normal mandatory seven days before they are allowed to gamble."

Bookie crumbles

My father-in-law, a retired detective, told me about the time he arrested a gangster who ran a gambling ring. Once in custody, the man began giving names.

"I'm suprised how easily these tough guys break down", I said.

Bill shrugged."Sometimes that's just the way the bookie crumbles."

Bonus question

Many tourist come to Yellowstone National Park armed with lots of questions. As someone who works nearby, I don't alwasy have the answers. Like the time one earnest woman approached me to ask, "At what elevation do deer turn into elk?"

Liquid

Pointing to the passenger's water bottle, a fellow airport screener said, "Sorry, you can't bring liquid on board."

The passenger became irate. "It's not a liquid," he snapped. "It's a beverage."

Believe or be leaving

My wife had a career crisis: should she quit her job? Knowing how panic she was, I called our florist and send her a bouquet with a card saying. "I believe in you. Love, Mose"
Later she called to thank me. "But I'm a little confused by the card," she admitted.
"Really? Why?"
"Because it reads 'I be leaving you. Love, Mose."