Escaped Convict

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years."
"I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you."
"Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline."
"I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Job advertisement

What job advertisement really mean:
-"Join our fast-paced company"-We have no time to train you
-"Must be deadlines oriented"-You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
-"No phone calls please"-We've filled the job;our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
-"seeking candidates with a ide variety of experience"-You'll need it to replace the three people who just left.
"requires team leadership skills"-You'll have the responsibilities of manager without pay or respect.

hidden heel

One evening a man gave his tipsy secretary a ride home after an office party. His wife was prone to jealousy, so he didn't mention the incident to her. Later in the evening he was driving his wife to a restaurant when he noticed a stiletto-heeled shoe half-hidden under the passenger seat.

Gripped with terror, he took advantage of a moment when she wasn't looking to grab the shoe and throw it out of the windows.

The rest of the journey went well until they arrived at the restaurant. "That's strange," said his wife, looking a little agitated. "Have you seen my other shoe?"

Awful time

"I've had an awful time," a boy told his friends. "First, I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics and, top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."

"Wow!" sympathized his friends."How did you pull thought?"

"I don't know," the boy replied. "It was the toughest spelling test I've ever had."

Awful time

"I've had an awful time," a boy told his friends. "First, I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics and, top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."

"Wow!" sympathized his friends."How did you pull thought?"

"I don't know," the boy replied. "It was the toughest spelling test I've ever had."

Holidays

A man is painting his house."Gee, you're lucky," he calls out to a neighbor who is washing his windows. "You only get ten days' holiday. I get 20!"

Mike and Joe

Two salesmen, Joe and Mike, were stranded by a storm and took refuge in a house occupied by an attractive single woman. In the middle of the night, Joe heard Mike sneak out of bed and into the woman's room. Joe said nothing about it until nine months lated when a registered letter arrived at his office. Clutching the letter, he walked into Mike's office. "Do you remember the night we were stranded by the storm and you sneaked out of your room to be with that woman?"

"Yes," Mike replied.

"You told her you were me, didn't you?" Joe demanded.

"Yes, I did," Mike said nervously. "Why do you ask?"

"Because," Joe replied, "she just died and left me a fortune!"

Heaven mistake

An engineer died and was sent to hell by mistake. Hell was very uncomfortable, so he installed air conditioning, escalators, flush toilets and a host of other modern conveniences.

One day God phoned Satan to ask how things were in hell."Great!" replied Satan."Our engineer has made all kinds of improvements down here."

"What are you doing with an engineer!"thundered God. "That engineer must be sent up to heaven immediately or I'll sue!"

"Oh really?"replied Satan. "And just where do you intend to find a lawyer?"